Sh*t My Kid Says



To Norah while they’re in the bathtub:
“You gotta let me play with the dolphin or else next time for a bath you’re going to go in the dishwasher.”


While talking with her Grandpa about why Kyle goes hunting:
“Dad’s gotta shoot a deer in the face because he can’t cut it up while it’s moving!”

(This was a pretty philosophical conversation about where our food comes from up until this point, lol!)


"Look at me, I'm FABULOUS!"

“Look at me, I’m FABULOUS!”


While outside before getting into the truck to go somewhere:
Her: I see a little girl riding her scooter!
Me: I see her too, kiddo.
Her: I think her name is Casey.
Me: How do you know that? (I’m assuming she met her at school or dance or something like that.)
Her (Being completely serious): Because I know everything.


After I turn the TV on to the World Cup of Hockey because Canada is playing and there’s nothing on until baseball starts in a couple hours:
“Moooooom, I don’t like hockey! We’re a BASEBALL family!”


To me, after I take my hair out of its ponytail:
“You look like Uncle Nolan with your hair like that.”

(My brother was up in August and got his hair cut after letting it grow for TWO YEARS.)


To me, after I got my hair cut:
“You don’t look like Uncle Nolan anymore!”


This kid. I just can’t even sometimes.

Old Feeling Things

I’ve been back in the workforce for about 2 weeks now and I’ve noticed that working on a university campus has its ups and downs. Ups? There’s always some place to find coffee. Downs? I only graduated from my degree program about 6 years ago, but so much as changed and I’ve been so disconnected from the campus that I just feel out of place sometimes. Really, what I feel is just OLD.

Allow me to provide you with a (humorous) list of my reasoning:

1. When you ask for a spoon and the cashier tell you that they’re $0.25, and instead of being mad about being charged for a spoon you instead grumble to yourself, “Back in my day, they were only charging $0.10!”

2. You over hear students recapping their wild and crazy weekends and when you think about your own, you realize that the most exciting thing that happen was that you managed to catch most of The Green Mile on AMC.

3. While sitting amongst the students at lunch, you realize that you’re the only one not surrounded by notes, textbooks and highlighters.

4. The fact that you actually bring a lunch instead of buying a day-old slice of pizza.

5. Members of student clubs looking for new pledges or students campaigning for something actually ignore you instead of stopping you and make you late for wherever you’re headed.

6. You get to park in the prime staff parking areas instead of arriving on campus a half-hour early to battle it out for a parking spot in the dodgiest back lot on campus.

Add these things to the fact that I’m hobbling around campus with aching hips caused by pregnancy, and it’s no wonder why I get doors held open for me all the time. Could you only imagine the students’ reactions if it were actually nice outside and my baby gut was not hidden underneath the layer of my jacket? Ugggh.

What’s been making you feel old lately?

Sh!t My Husband Says

More hilarity, brought to you by my husband:

After seeing a for sale ad for a used copy of 50 Shades of Grey:
“Eeew! Used erotica!”

After reading him this tweet of mine:

Me: I mean, a baby comes ripping out of you!
(I will add that he was awake for way too many hours after working nightshift the night before)

After I made fun of him for some reason I cannot remember:
“I’m a delicate little butterfly with tissue paper wings!!”

After seeing a commercial for (YES, that’s a real dating website):
Me: “What? 34 makes you a cougar??? Are you f-ing serious?”
Him: “You’re only 7 years away from being a coug’ dear!” *goes for a fist-bump*

While playing Words With Friends against a friend:
Him (to the friend): I could play the word “tampon” against you but I don’t think it’s a word. Is it a word or a brand?
Friend: I think it’s a word.
Him: Yeah, right; Tampex is the brand. Tampon is the word.
Meanwhile, I’m killing myself laughing.