Sh!t My Husband Says

More hilarity, brought to you by my husband:

After seeing a for sale ad for a used copy of 50 Shades of Grey:
“Eeew! Used erotica!”

After reading him this tweet of mine:

Me: I mean, a baby comes ripping out of you!
Him: Yes! AT 90 MILES AN HOUR, WEARING GOGGLES AND A SKI MASK! GOING, “SWOOSH!”
(I will add that he was awake for way too many hours after working nightshift the night before)

After I made fun of him for some reason I cannot remember:
“I’m a delicate little butterfly with tissue paper wings!!”

After seeing a commercial for CougarLife.com (YES, that’s a real dating website):
Me: “What? 34 makes you a cougar??? Are you f-ing serious?”
Him: “You’re only 7 years away from being a coug’ dear!” *goes for a fist-bump*

While playing Words With Friends against a friend:
Him (to the friend): I could play the word “tampon” against you but I don’t think it’s a word. Is it a word or a brand?
Friend: I think it’s a word.
Him: Yeah, right; Tampex is the brand. Tampon is the word.
Meanwhile, I’m killing myself laughing.

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