TMI Thursday: Post-partum Edition

It’s TMI Thursday, kids! Shield your eyes, Ethel, it’s the post-partum edition! Also included are a couple things I forgot to mention during my birth story. Yay!

– You know what’s fun? Spraying breast milk EVERYWHERE. This is what happens when your child unlatches from your nipple unexpectedly in the middle of a let down. It was like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, milk edition, in my living room.

– Also fun: Boobs that are hard as a rock because you don’t have the heart to wake your child to eat but your boobs are engorged with milk. The pain!

– The pure thought of your first poop after giving birth is terrifying. Suppositories are your friend. So is Preparation H. They don’t make it any less scary, but at least it’s marginally less painful.

– No matter how much you don’t want to, look down below after childbirth. Why? Well, to make sure everything is healing properly. As scary as my nether regions looked, I know that I’m healing up properly and that I haven’t blown a stitch.

– When your water breaks, it feels like you’re taking the biggest pee ever. And, I didn’t know this until Kyle told me after the fact, but apparently, I did indeed pee while my water was broken. Sorry about that, Dr. O’C! So, not only will you poop yourself, but you’ll pee yourself during labour as well.

– Speaking of pee – because I had an epidural, I had a catheter “installed” (inserted?). So, there I was, post-delivery, with a tube taped to my leg and pee flowing into a bag hanging from the side of my bed. I’m sure my visitors were thrilled to see that. Also – it’s the STRANGEST thing not realizing that you’re peeing. In fact, I nearly peed myself after the nurse removed the catheter the next morning because I was not used to going.

– I’m pretty sure I know what drug addicts feel like when they don’t have any drugs for a long period of time. Because the doctors had pumped me full of fun stuff during my labour (fentanyl, morphine, epidural stuff, and God knows what else), afterwards I had the WORST itches all over my body. It was horrid; I feel a little bad for crack addicts now.

– Be prepared to throw all your dignity and self-conscientiousness out the window during labour. It’s funny, when we first went to the hospital, I shooed my mom away when the nurse asked me to drop my pants & underoos. There was no way I wanted my mom seeing my who-ha. Come pushing time, I could care less. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was me just wanting the damn child out of me, but I threw all dignity out the window. I didn’t care.

16 Weeks and the Sh!t They Don’t Tell You

Normally I’ll give you the pregnancy update info second, but – considering today’s topic of discussion involves what some may find to be a little TMI, it will go last!

To sum it up, today’s topic will include all of the crazy shit that happens to your body when you’re pregnant, or at least some of the stuff I’ve experienced. I’ve also included links to a couple of Kallay’s blog posts from when she was pregnant with her beautiful twin girls (who are now a whole year old and a bit!).

So, if you don’t want to be turned off from having children, don’t read anything after my “bump” photo! You’ve been warned! (Although I’ll also warn you that you’ll miss out on slight comedic relief!)

How far along? 16 weeks! How has four months already gone by? Sheesh …

How big is baby? He or she is about 5″ long from crown to bum, or the size of an avocado, according to BabyCenter.ca!

Total weight gain/loss: I’ve still only gained about 2lbs since I last weighed myself, which is surprising because I’ve visibly bigger in the tummy area. Oh well!

Maternity Clothes? I haven’t gone out and bought anything more yet, but I may soon. My work pants are starting to get more and more snug, and I kind of have to slouch in my chair at work so they don’t squish my guts. Ugh.

Stretch marks? Still none, but I’ve started rubbing lotion on my belly to help improve my skin’s elasticity. I have no idea how to prevent stretch marks otherwise. (Can you actually prevent them? Because that would make Kyle very happy!)

Sleep: It’s still very hit or miss. I really have to be careful of not drinking too many fluids after dinner or I’ll be up peeing all night. I’ve also started having really bizarre and vivid dreams. The other night I dreamed that I was in Calgary for some dancing competition but lost, so I was pouting in my hotel room. What?

Movement: According to BabyCenter.ca, I should be able to start feeling my baby flutter around soon. So now I’m wondering if I’m actually feeling something or if it’s all in my head. (It’s most likely the latter, but you never know!)

Food cravings: Last week I was craving burritos and sushi. I actually had two burritos last week (on two different days) and they were AMAZING. The sushi craving passed though! The other morning I woke up around 4:30 as Kyle was getting ready for work and had a hunger pang for pickles. That’s the weirdest one yet!

What I miss: I miss being able to sleep through the whole night. I’m so grateful when I only wake up once to go to the bathroom. Too bad it’s only going to get worse! I also really miss being able to take sinus meds for my ridiculous sinus headaches. Coffee helps, but only temporarily!

What I am looking forward to: Being able to feel the baby move. How I’m not going to freak out is beyond me. How can you not freak out when something is MOVING inside you?!

Milestones: I have about 6 different paint swatches taped to the future baby room and have no idea what colour to choose. It’s a pain in the butt! At least Kyle has given up the reigns on the paint colours though and is letting me paint the room whatever colours I want! Ha!

Photo:

Now – Onto the TMI section of today’s post!

A lot of crazy shit goes down when you get pregnant, in case you didn’t know. Shit that goes waaaay beyond morning sickness and peeing all. the. time.

Disclaimer: I will note that not all women experience all or any of these same symptoms during pregnancy. I’m only speaking from personal experience. Just thought I’d get that out of the way now before women start hating on me.

Lucky for me, I didn’t experience morning sickness. The worst thing that happened was that coffee made me feel like puking, so I had to give it up for just over two months. Bring on the caffeine withdrawal headaches! Meat also made me want to upchuck, but I never did. Two bites of protein was enough before I lost my appetite. And bell peppers. Cooked bell peppers still make me want to gag. The smell is horrid.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there when it comes to TMI. I’m talking fluids. Boobs. Poop, or lack thereof.

Let’s start first with how ridiculously sore my boobs are right now. They ache. A lot. I don’t think they’ve hurt this much since I hit puberty and first started growing them. They have become a “no fly” zone in the bedroom, unless approval is otherwise given.

Also? They’re heavy, probably because they’re busy getting ready to make delicious (?) milk for my sweet little baby. As a result of this preparation, my boobs feel weighed down and – they leak. Kind of. If you squeeze them. Don’t judge me for squeezing my own rack, but it does help the achy-ness. But, this weird, clear, fluid comes out as a result (which is normal), and it’s shocking at first but you get used to it once you learn that it makes your boobs feel better.

And then there’s leakage of other sorts. Down there. It’s actually quite annoying because well, I don’t wear underroos when I go to bed (pajama bottoms only) and I now have to strap on a pair of granny panties with a pantyliner (because sleeping in thongs it way too uncomfortable) so it doesn’t feel like I peed myself. The leakage has slowly stopped, but lord, was it awkward. I felt like an 80-year-old with a weak bladder. Bring on the Poise! No one likes leakage and feeling like you’re slowly wetting yourself. No one.

You know what usually happens when you eat a lot of junk food? You poop. You know what happens when you’re pregnant? You can’t poop. You get constipated, and all the fiber in the world doesn’t seem to make it any better. I don’t think I’ve had worse cramps than the ones I had around weeks 8 to 12, all thanks to not being able to poop. Hormones and rapid body changing be whack, yo. And they make you unable to poop. Luckily that has more or less gone away and I’m back to somewhat normalcy.

Another irritating thing I’ve noticed is that I’m soooo itchy. My skin just feels like it’s crawling, and apparently that (among most other things) is to blame on raging increases in hormones. How delightful! I’ve brought a whole new meaning to “it puts the lotion on the skin …” I can’t get enough lotion!!

I think that’s about everything that I’ve experienced so far. Not pooping, peeing myself a little bit, and boob leakage. Ah, the joys of pregnancy. Of course, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. Like not being able to shave.

Actually, Kallay wrote it best in this (hilarious!) post. Yeah, you won’t be able to shave your legs, but there’s other bits and pieces that you won’t be able to tend to either. Like your va-jay-jay. Seriously, click through and read her post!

You should probably also check out this post she wrote about the love/hate relationship she had with being pregnant. I gotta admit, I’m the same way. I love how I’m pretty much Super Woman for growing another person inside me, how my hair is so AMAZING right now, but I hate a lot of things about pregnancy as well. Like the stuff I listed above. I totally agree with her list!

So there you have it – the TMI part of being pregnant! I hope I didn’t turn you off of becoming a parent some day. I think every woman should know and be warned!

What are some rumours you’ve heard about what happens to your body when you’re pregnant?
If you have had a child, did you experience any of these “symptoms”? Do you have anything you’d like to add to the list?

Things that make me go “Hmm…”

I just want to give a shout out to a couple things that make me scratch my head. Maybe this will turn into a series post, maybe not. For now, here’s what’s making my go “Hmm”:

– The nail polish on only one of my toes always comes off completely after about a week or so of application. Proof:

Okay, so my nail polish isn’t looking so hot, but really – ever since I started using a base & top coat the polish always, ALWAYS comes off that one toe. Even when I had my pro pedicure before the wedding, a couple weeks later it was the first toe to lose its colour. I’m baffled. It doesn’t even chip, I’ll just wake up and it’ll be gone! Sorcery, I tell you. Just pure, evil sorcery.

– Extreme couponers. I’m sorry, but you DO NOT need eight sticks of deodorant. Why? because 1) Half the sticks of deodorant will expire before you ever get a chance to use them and 2) No one actually smells THAT bad unless they don’t shower. Ever. Unless you spend so much time cutting coupons that you don’t have time to shower. Then you just have a whole new bag of issues that I’m not willing to dice into at this point in time. Extreme couponers are ridiculous and I blame it all on that TLC show. To the women who quit their jobs to collect coupons: Maybe if you HAD a job you wouldn’t have to use a dozen coupons when buying shit at the store.

– Those tissue paper-like “covers” that you can use in public washrooms. Okay, I get the point of them, but can’t you just hover over the bowl? And if your business is more serious than having to just hover, can you not hold it? Or if you can’t – would you really bother with a silly, flimsy piece of tissue paper to (literally) save your ass? I wouldn’t. Just saying. I’d rather risk exposure to germs than crapping my pants.

Hmm, well, this post got a little carried away into the TMI category, now didn’t it? May as well through this one into the TMI Thursday category. (Yes, that’s a shout out to the Queen Mum of TMIT. Respect.)

Anything making YOU go “Hmm” lately?