It was the end of June, the day before Isla’s 2nd birthday.
During the last couple weeks of that month, I hadn’t been feeling 100% like myself. I was feeling a little off, a little sluggish, not having much of an appetite. Kyle and I had been trying to have another baby for a few months, so I thought maybe, just maybe, I may be pregnant. My period wasn’t due for another couple of days, but I was armed with a Costco-pack of pregnancy tests that claimed 88% two days before your next period under my bathroom sink, I peed on one and could see a faint, blue vertical line. A positive result, finally! I even peed on a second one just to be sure, and yep – positive again. We told my mom and called Kyle’s mom & aunts with the exciting news.
“It’s still early, but I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday next week to make sure it’s right.”
Kyle even went out later that afternoon and bought an early results digital test: no lines, just a straight up “Yes” or “No.” It read “Yes.” There’s no misinterpreting that. We decided to announce our news at Isla’s birthday party the next day. It was going to be just our closest friends and family, so we figured, “Why not?”
Isla had a special present to open after all her other presents, a little shirt that read, “Big Sister.” Everyone was super happy for us, even though Isla was seemingly oblivious to her new title.
The next day we went to the lake for the day to visit one of Kyle’s oldest friends. We told them the news and they too were excited.
Except that same day, I noticed some bleeding. It worried me a bit, so we dropped Isla off at my mom’s when we got back to town and headed to the ER. After a blood test, it was confirmed that yes, I was pregnant, but my beta-HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) was a little low. The doctor gave me a form to go have my levels checked again in 48 hours and to see my regular doctor with the results.
My doctor confirmed that my levels were low, but sometimes that happens and a pregnancy can be normal and the baby will still be healthy. He ordered me two more blood tests, 48 hours apart from one another, and to see him again. He ended up calling me with the results a couple of days before my appointment and said that my levels were up, but they were really strange because they went down and then up again. He ordered an ultrasound, and I went for that on the 17th and had an appointment with my doctor for the 24th (today).
Except on Monday, I started bleeding. I didn’t think too much of it, because some spotting is normal in some pregnancies, but it didn’t ease up. Tuesday it was still happening, and Wednesday it was accompanied by some pretty decent, period-like cramping. Something to me just didn’t seem right, I didn’t have my appointment until Thursday, so I decided to take myself to the emergency room. Luckily, Kyle’s mom was done work for the day, so she took Isla, and my mom was done early that day, so she met me at the ER. (Kyle was at work and there’s no way to contact him with great ease.)
Eventually a nurse took my blood and I got in to see a doctor. He said my levels weren’t as high as they should be for how far along I was, so it could be very possible that I was miscarrying. He was able to get me in for an ultrasound at the last minute, so after that was done an OB-GYN met with me to discuss what I already had figured had happened: A miscarriage.
There were tears. We were sad. We threw ourselves a pity party and I had a Caesar. I was exhausted, physically and mentally, so we went to bed early. Kyle stayed home from work today so he could come with me to my doctor’s appointment.
“It’s normal” is what the doctors tell you, and that it happens to more women than you think. While the statistics are the proof, 1 in 5 women have miscarriages, it still doesn’t help at all. My doctor was sorry for us, and admitted that while he is a doctor, he knew that it was harder for me as a woman since it’s my body going through the motions of everything. He fully supported my pity party, and asked how I actually felt about the situation.
I’m still not sure how I feel. Disappointed is the first emotion. Because it was so early in the pregnancy I knew that anything was possible, especially in those first few weeks. At the same time, I’m a little relieved. Not because I didn’t want the pregnancy – because I certainly did – but because that first little bout of bleeding I had on the Monday had caused me so much stress and worry. I think the worry of what was going on with my body affected a lot of other stuff going on in my life to not be as great as they should’ve. But now that I know – and that it happened early – I can relax a little and move on and we can try again. I can stop stressing, worrying. And I’m thankful that my body took control of the situation and it aborted the pregnancy my itself, instead of me having to have a medical intervention. I think if that were the case, it would be harder to accept the loss.
I also feel a little guilty for not feeling as depressed as people probably expect me to be. I keep being asked, “How are you feeling?” and my answer is “Okay.” I’m just trying to continue on with life because I have 100 other things going on and unfortunately, time doesn’t slow down. I’ll ride the emotions as they come and when I’m ready, we can start trying again.
This whole experience has been so surreal. I guess I’m still in a little bit of shock. We’re slowly telling everyone the news, or I guess, “untelling” the news. I debated on whether or not I should write this post, purely because it was so early to begin with and I hadn’t announced it at all on here, but in the end I knew I needed to. I know I don’t need/want everyone to know, hence the password, but it does feel good just to express what the hell is going on in my head.
I’m just glad that I have such an amazing support system behind me, and a beautiful little girl already who makes my day brighter regardless of what’s going on.