Guilt

I’m going to start knocking on wood now, because you can never be too sure …

Guilt is a funny thing and it hits you at the strangest times. Like how tossing out a giant chunk of leftover lasagna that’s been in the fridge for a week makes you think of starving children. Or driving to work in your nice, warm, heated seat car while people are waiting for the bus in -30°C weather.

For me, when I learned I was pregnant, I had a huge wave of guilt. I felt guilty that it only took three months of trying after being on the pill for eight years to conceive because I know so many people, in real life and through blogging, that have been unsuccessful in many ways. I’ve heard about so much loss that I just feel guilty being happy around them.

To me, it’s like I’m rubbing it in their face. For some, the wounds are still fresh, still very real, and still hurt so bad. I don’t like to bring up my own pregnancy, whine, gripe or groan about it. Hell, I even feel marginally uncomfortable being around them.

For those who have healed and let things be, I still feel guilty. It’s like saying, “Hey, remember that one time … oh wait, no, you wouldn’t.”

I know the last thing people want it a pity party and for me to pat them on the head and say “There there, it will be okay,” because it won’t necessarily will be. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I was never able to conceive or if I did and wasn’t able to carry to term, or even worse … carry to term and lose a newborn. It’s unimaginable and I don’t think anything could ever come close to that pain.

I just don’t know how to act or react around these kind of situations without feeling guilty.

How would you feel?

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3 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. This is such a tough one. I somehow managed to follow a lot of people (through blogs and on Twitter) who have been having trouble conceiving, and a lot of them let it be known how much it hurts to hear of other people’s pregnancies. I don’t even know what I would do in your situation, but I think I would be too afraid to be happy and even announce my pregnancy!
    Just wanted to let you know that (even though I’m not in your situation), I can only imagine how heavily this weighs on your mind!

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  2. I can sympathize with with people you feel guilty around. For me, even though there are moments of jealousy and maybe even bitterness, I still have to feel happy for my friends when I find out they are expecting. Even though it may hurt me inside, it would be a far bigger pain to know that the people I care about also have to experience difficulties in this situation. So I say be happy around them, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not like you’re one of those people that constantly rub it in their face and say “when are you going to get pregnant?” or “HAHA I’m pregnant and you’re not!”

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  3. I had similar feelings … my oldest sister had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with Topher. She didn’t want to tell me right away because she didn’t want to make me feel awkward – so I guess it could go both ways. I think it’s okay to be happy/excited about being pregnant as long as you’re sensitive to the people around you.

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