Category Archives: Life

Life’s Little Adjustments

Posted in Babies, Family, Isla, Kara and Kyle, Life by

I’m alive. Tired, but alive.
It’s been a whirlwind for the past week and a bit as Kyle and I settle into parenthood. We’re adjusting to a new type of normal, consisting of him waking up in the middle of the night and wondering what part of the house I’ve fallen asleep in, me falling alseep while nursing, and trying to decide if sleep or showering is more important.
I think Isla is finally starting to figure out a schedule. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Monday night was so far, the best night thus far. We (Isla and I) slept for two-three hours, woke up to be fed and changed for one hour, and went back down for another couple hours or so.
The biggest challenge Kyle and I thought we’d face was him going back to work on Sunday. Luckily, my mom came over for the day to lend a hand and give me a break when needed.
I actually don’t think I held Isla other than to nurse her all day! I’m forever grateful for all the help my mom has provided. Having her only a couple minutes away has been fabulous; I don’t know what I’d do withour her.
Monday was relatively decent as my first day being home alone with her. We hung out all day and I even managed to shower AND make dinner. Go me! I’m developing my supermom powers already.
This new normal of ours seems to be working out well. Sure, Kyle and I are both still just in amazement that we’ve brought this amazing little person into the world. Who would’ve thought something so little could bring so much big change?

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I love this little girl so much.

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On Death

Posted in Emotions, Growing Up, Hard times, Life by

Death is a funny thing. Not necessarily funny in a “Ha ha” kind of way, but funny in the way it approaches you.

You grow up knowing that you’re getting older. How can we not? As soon as we’re old enough to count backwards we’re counting down the days until we’re one year older. Eventually, those countdowns stop, but at what point is different for every person. It was only a couple years ago when I personally stopped caring about how old I was soon going to be.

I have found that there comes a point where you stop counting down to how old you’re going to be and start adding up how many days you’ve had to enjoy life. It may sound a little morbid, but for me, it was when my Grandma passed away a month ago. It was sudden, it was hard, and it still is.

We were told that she had 3 to 6 months to live, but she only lived for about 2 more weeks past that prognosis. See, you can countdown as much as you like, but sometimes life has a funny way of throwing a wrench into things.

Sometimes I forget that people, animals, myself … You only get older. I’m struggling with the acceptance of this, especially since my mom had to put our dog down because of cancer in the fall. I always forget that when you have a pet, chances are that they’re going to die before you do. When Tanner passed in the fall, it was the first time I had really felt grief. Before that, it was when my great-grandma passed away a few years ago, but it never hit me as hard.

But now, with Daphne starting to show signs of her progressing age, it’s getting tough again. I’m constantly worried that I’m going to wake up one morning and she won’t be able to move at all, and I’ll have to say goodbye once again to something I love so much.

Saying goodbye because of death is the hardest thing I think anyone has to do. You can’t avoid death, and you can’t countdown to it. Death works in its own, mysterious ways. I choose not to think that death and the way we die is part of some higher being’s plan. I don’t believe it should be in anyone’s plan to make people’s emotions ache and hurt so badly.

For me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to hate death, but I have to remember that its inevitable. You can’t avoid it, but when it comes, it’s okay to be sad, mad, and angry at it. I don’t know when I’ll fully heal and accept that death has taken those I loved away from me, but with each day, it gets a little easier to cope with.

I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a supportive family that understands that it’s hard for me to deal with it some days, and when I bust out into tears they don’t judge me, but just love me.

One day I’ll learn not to hate death so much, and to accept it as part of the natural way of life. For now, I’m just going to try to understand it.

How do you deal or cope with death?

Sorry for the somewhat dark nature of this post, but it’s just been on my mind for a while and I needed to get it out.

The Strongest Man I Know

Posted in Emotions, Family, Hard times, Life by

My Grandpa is the toughest man I know. He’s my hero, I can’t say that more than enough.

Yesterday afternoon, my Grandma quietly passed away surrounded by family, myself included. Yesterday was by far the hardest day of my life. And while my family wept, sobbed and showed their emotions, my grandpa was quiet. He loved that woman more than one could ever know, but there he stood – almost at peace with what had just happened. She was the love of his life for 36 years, always taking care of him. For the past month and a bit, he’s taken care of her; he’s been at her bedside every day that he could be. It’s funny how the tables can turn sometimes.

My grandpa had confessed that he always thought that it would be him to go first, and that my grandma would live to be a ripe old age. (His words, not mine) I think we all did. My grandma was always so full of love and life – planning, laughing, just living. My grandpa always stood beside her, going along with her elaborate plans.

Seeing my grandpa so broken hurts me so much. He’s really the strongest man I know.

I’m going to miss my grandma so much. She was always there for me, no matter what. Her love was always unconditional. It’s going to be so hard accepting the fact that she’s gone.

I love you so much Grandma, and I promise to take good care of Grandpa for you.

If you’d like, you can read a little about what happened here – I’ve taken the password off.