Missing Her

It’s been six months since my grandma passed away and it still hurts so much to think that she’s no longer with us.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately; I don’t know if it’s the post-pregnancy hormones, but often the smallest thing triggers a memory and I’ll start to cry. For example, I was watching Long Island Medium and I just started sobbing. Maybe it was because the people on the show were able to get some closure after the death of a loved one, I don’t know.

I’m not saying that I didn’t have closure when my grandma passed. We had an amazing relationship and never had to bury the hatchet on anything. Her last words to me were that she loved me so much. I just miss her terribly. I don’t know how my grandpa can do it, coping so seemingly well. Mind you – he’s been working SO much, keeping his mind on things other than the fact that the love of his life was taken from him so suddenly.

This time of year my grandparents were always busy getting ready for their annual trip down south, but no matter how busy they were, my grandma would always make sure to make the time to say “Goodbye” before they left. It was around this time last year when I told my grandma that she was going to become a great-grandma, and she was SO excited! I had to remind her to keep it a secret until December, after they left for the south, and I know it was so hard for her, being the social butterfly that she was. (I swear she spent more time on Facebook than I did!)

The very last time I saw my grandma, I was still pregnant. Although she couldn’t talk because of her stroke, I could see in her eyes how excited she was to see my baby bump, how she looked at it and gently rubbed it with the little amount of strength she had. It hurts to know that she never got to meet her great-granddaughter; Isla would have learned so much from her Nana. I’m glad my grandpa is around enough to see Isla grow, and I can see the love in his eye when he looks at her.

I know you’re not really supposed to stop missing someone, but I know it’s supposed to get easier with time. I’m not sure how much time I’ll need, but I’ll get there eventually I guess.

On Death

Death is a funny thing. Not necessarily funny in a “Ha ha” kind of way, but funny in the way it approaches you.

You grow up knowing that you’re getting older. How can we not? As soon as we’re old enough to count backwards we’re counting down the days until we’re one year older. Eventually, those countdowns stop, but at what point is different for every person. It was only a couple years ago when I personally stopped caring about how old I was soon going to be.

I have found that there comes a point where you stop counting down to how old you’re going to be and start adding up how many days you’ve had to enjoy life. It may sound a little morbid, but for me, it was when my Grandma passed away a month ago. It was sudden, it was hard, and it still is.

We were told that she had 3 to 6 months to live, but she only lived for about 2 more weeks past that prognosis. See, you can countdown as much as you like, but sometimes life has a funny way of throwing a wrench into things.

Sometimes I forget that people, animals, myself … You only get older. I’m struggling with the acceptance of this, especially since my mom had to put our dog down because of cancer in the fall. I always forget that when you have a pet, chances are that they’re going to die before you do. When Tanner passed in the fall, it was the first time I had really felt grief. Before that, it was when my great-grandma passed away a few years ago, but it never hit me as hard.

But now, with Daphne starting to show signs of her progressing age, it’s getting tough again. I’m constantly worried that I’m going to wake up one morning and she won’t be able to move at all, and I’ll have to say goodbye once again to something I love so much.

Saying goodbye because of death is the hardest thing I think anyone has to do. You can’t avoid death, and you can’t countdown to it. Death works in its own, mysterious ways. I choose not to think that death and the way we die is part of some higher being’s plan. I don’t believe it should be in anyone’s plan to make people’s emotions ache and hurt so badly.

For me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to hate death, but I have to remember that its inevitable. You can’t avoid it, but when it comes, it’s okay to be sad, mad, and angry at it. I don’t know when I’ll fully heal and accept that death has taken those I loved away from me, but with each day, it gets a little easier to cope with.

I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a supportive family that understands that it’s hard for me to deal with it some days, and when I bust out into tears they don’t judge me, but just love me.

One day I’ll learn not to hate death so much, and to accept it as part of the natural way of life. For now, I’m just going to try to understand it.

How do you deal or cope with death?

Sorry for the somewhat dark nature of this post, but it’s just been on my mind for a while and I needed to get it out.

The Strongest Man I Know

My Grandpa is the toughest man I know. He’s my hero, I can’t say that more than enough.

Yesterday afternoon, my Grandma quietly passed away surrounded by family, myself included. Yesterday was by far the hardest day of my life. And while my family wept, sobbed and showed their emotions, my grandpa was quiet. He loved that woman more than one could ever know, but there he stood – almost at peace with what had just happened. She was the love of his life for 36 years, always taking care of him. For the past month and a bit, he’s taken care of her; he’s been at her bedside every day that he could be. It’s funny how the tables can turn sometimes.

My grandpa had confessed that he always thought that it would be him to go first, and that my grandma would live to be a ripe old age. (His words, not mine) I think we all did. My grandma was always so full of love and life – planning, laughing, just living. My grandpa always stood beside her, going along with her elaborate plans.

Seeing my grandpa so broken hurts me so much. He’s really the strongest man I know.

I’m going to miss my grandma so much. She was always there for me, no matter what. Her love was always unconditional. It’s going to be so hard accepting the fact that she’s gone.

I love you so much Grandma, and I promise to take good care of Grandpa for you.

If you’d like, you can read a little about what happened here – I’ve taken the password off.